Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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