you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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