i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
