I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm eating all of the evidence.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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