the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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