Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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