You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
