I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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