So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
