She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
