I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i out mim tonsoeep
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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