I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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