yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
