The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
