Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
