i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
