I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
