My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
