I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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