ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
