i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
