He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
