I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
