The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
