Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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