wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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