I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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