Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
