i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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