I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
