honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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