if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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