stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
