You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
