That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
