70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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