We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
