Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dick very happy bro
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
