if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
