I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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