I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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