I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
