my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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