If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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