2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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