she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
time to smoke my breakfast
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
