whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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