I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
