eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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