I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
